Lent is a time for change

I am in the middle of an epic internal conflict, wringing my hands and crying, “What to do? What to do?”

Why the drama? My last two Lenten reflections left me looking through the glass darkly, wondering what’s in store for me. I’m determined to follow Jesus, to not be one of those who shrug and turn away, sorrowful but unwilling to let go of the things I know in favor of the things that could be.

This week I’ve been on Spring Break vacation but work demands have mired me in a sea of angst as I’ve struggled with some personnel challenges. This is not an enjoyable part of my role. It is not spiritually rewarding. Employment as a whole though, I must admit, is financially rewarding. It is nice to have income. As much as I dream of making a living through other means, I do not think any of the alternatives I have in mind would be nearly as lucrative.

Ah, lucre, the money…. Is that what I’ve become? A lover of money? No one in scripture who loves money is able to give themselves wholly to Christ. It is easier to wedge a camel through the eye of a needle, right? Am I clinging to employment as a way of avoiding the risk of discipleship? Can I be a disciple while remaining in my current role?

Today I took a leap of faith and paid for 3 years worth of a new domain: FGHart.com. Now I face the challenge of setting it up and putting it to good use. I’m praying for God to grant me singleness of mind and faithful obedience to His will. (2 Chronicles 30:12)

A Tale About Trolls

Once upon a time, in a land that might or might not be far, far away, there lived a troll. This troll, like any troll, had "issues", not the least of which is her overwhelming anger. Sure she had friends she could growl with, but it wasn't enough to satisfy the pain in her heart.

One day she happened to find the house of someone she could hate. She knew a little bit about this person and it was enough. She settled in under their porch and prepared herself for a good time.

She anticipated so much fun she invited over some friends. They took turns leaving angry, nasty comments for the homeowner to find. But something went horribly wrong for them. For two weeks, nothing happened! They felt neither rewarded nor relieved.

The troll soon realized the homeowner's sister's address was posted proudly on the wall so she crept over and hid under the unsuspecting sister's porch. What the troll didn't seem to realize was that the sister's home welcomes anyone exploring their faith or (and this is the good part) for anyone looking to learn from the many mistakes she made in raising her children.

The troll spent some time exploring the home, and maybe she thought she had all the ammunition she needed when she launched her first round. But alas, shouting recriminations about poor parenting skills or poking at her faith...it made the sister chuckle.

"Why 'yes'!" the sister admitted, "You're right! I'm not perfect, by far. I've made many mistakes. I've wept many a tear and I've learned a lot. I've grown stronger but more importantly I've grown closer to God. Through my trials I've developed a deeper faith. Please, come in and stay a while. I'd like to hear more about your experiences. You're welcome any time you want; I love to talk about my faith. You don't have to agree with me. I appreciate the company and the opportunity to explore and share!"

I'm not sure how this story ends. You tell me....

Dear Lord, I pray for people who feel the need to criticize and be negative in a world already filled with pain and sorrow. Bless us as we strive to do our best, by Your grace. Help us all to love one another as You have commanded us. Amen.

Three Words for 2011 (and insight into how my mind works)

Sure, I'd heard a bit of the buzz...but amidst all of the noise and fanfare of the incoming new year I'd not stopped to discern just what was that buzzing noise I was hearing about "3 words". Then a friend e-mailed me and mentioned her own pursuit of the 3 words that would be her focus for 2011 so I finally stopped and listened.

I read Chris Brogen's post on the subject. I read the three words chosen by him and by others (in Chris' comments and here and here). I sent Chris Brogen's link to my staff and challenged them to come up with their own 3 words and to make sure their goals supported their 3 words. But I still couldn't seem to come up with my own three words. My thinking went something like this:

"Focus" should be one of the words because I really need to stay focused, but that seems silly because the words are supposed to be the focus. I can't focus on focus. What would be my goals? Be less ADD? Sit still for at least 5 minutes before succumbing to interruption and distraction?

"Faith" doesn't need to be one of the words because I'm blessed with a deep, abiding faith these days (although Lord knows it is often tested).

Maybe "Boundaries" should be on the list. I tend to work way too many hours and not leave enough time for the things (and people) I love. Really it's a matter of "balance". Yes, "balance" should be one of the words. I can measure my days and assess how well I'm maintaining balance. My to-do lists, my calendar, my e-mail all reflect the balance (or lack thereof) in my life.

But what else? Maybe "focus". I don't stay focused very well. But I've already considered & discarded that one. Hmmm.

"Discern"? I often pray for discernment, so that I can know God's will. "Obey"? Once I feel guided, am I obedient? "Act"? Do I act according to God's desires for me? Do I understand God's purpose and plan for me? Do I follow where he leads me?

All through the day yesterday and today I wrestled with distilling all of this down to three words. Three little words (or big words) that will have meaning for me. Three words that will help me stay focused on my goals. Three words that are better than any meaningless resolution. I tried on other people's words but nothing seemed to fit.

Meanwhile, on the radio, on the internet, at church, amongst friends I keep hearing talk of change. It's that time of year. But I don't really want change per se. I just want to stay focused on the things that matter.

Finally, Micah 6:8 resonated from the pages of the chronological Bible I'm reading. God has shown me what he requires of me: to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God.

So after spending a little more time thinking about the words that will help me stay focused on what God wants of me, here's my list:

Prudence, Mercy, Humility

Prudence = the characteristic of exercising sound judgment in practical affairs; act justly.

Mercy = a disposition to be kind and forgiving; compassionate treatment of others; a blessing

Humility = the quality of being modest, reverential, never rude or self-abasing; temperance (restraint against inordinate desires or appetites).

So, yes, some change will be required. Ultimately I think these 3 words capture a life of discernment and obedience with the necessary element of humility ... which will honestly require the greatest effort of the three.

May God bless me this year. May God bless us all.

What are your three words?

The valley and the mountaintop

When you're walking through the valley, sometimes it is enough to know that there are mountaintops. Faith, by the definition offered in Hebrews 11:1, is confidence in the things we hope for but can't see.

I'm not worried about my valley. Life happens in the valleys. Evangelism happens in the valleys. Faith happens in the valleys. I trust that there is a mountaintop in my future. I don't need to see it now to know that my turn will come.

Today I was blessed by a Kairos closing ceremony. I don't think it's possible to attend a Kairos closing without being blessed by the experience. It's unfortunate that there are some whose attitude might detract from the experience but today I thankfully wasn't affected by that. Listening to the Kairos participants talk is all about listening to the voices calling from the mountaintop. They are swimming in love, glowing with grace and glory, overflowing with the Spirit. It's a beautiful thing.

My friend Bernie reminded me that my blog was moldering in the valley. Yes, I've been busy. Busy with work. Busy with world travel. Busy with weak attempts at this year's NaNoWriMo. Busy with working out. Busy with playing the piano. Busy with the valley.

I drove to/from the Bartlett state jail in my '99 Mustang convertible, top down, hair flying...and I enjoyed my freedom. I enjoyed knowing that there will be better days. That's my faith, and I'm living it.

Baptism - Josalynn Marie Hicks

Although my oldest two daughters hated each other during their teen years, my forecast of their eventual reunion has finally hit a major milestone of "see-I-told-you-so" maternal truth. They are turning the corner in their relationship and hopefully they will someday enjoy the closeness that I experience with my sisters. I detested my sisters when I lived at home but as an adult, they are my dearest friends.

Last weekend (7/4/10), my granddaughter (Child #2 of my Child #2) was baptized. In these photos, she is held by her aunt, my eldest.

The lovely cake (from HEB):
The beautiful child, Josalynn Marie Hicks:

We welcome her into the family of Christ. She is a beloved member of our family.

Spring Cleaning

Nature happens, folks. Winter months, with all of the plants packed into the sunroom, spiders and other creepy-crawlies take up residence.
After hours of labor, sweating in the sauna that is my sunroom, I'm quite delighted with the results. I've reclaimed my retreat. My quiet place. A place where I can sit quietly and pray. A place to read. A place to meditate.

I consider every drop of sweat well worth the effort.

Cleaning carpets

We've invested in a rental property. This is part of my retirement strategy. No joke. Some day I hope to be doing something else. In order to get there, we bought a house that we hope to rent. But first, the carpet must be cleaned. I came armed with chemicals.

Cleaning the stains left behind by another family gave me an opportunity to "introspect". I spent hours today praying for the family that was (a foreclosure - is that why they made no effort to clean up after themselves?) and praying for the family that will be (Lord, let this house be filled with love).
Spot cleaning, steam cleaning...and voila! The carpet looks (almost) as good as new!

Next, I tackled the master bedroom. The photos don't do justice to the layer of dog hair that covered the floor. And the stains were worse than the living room. Oddly, the children's rooms were not too bad. The master bedroom, though ... {shudder}.
The biggest stain was probably rust. I can ignore that it looked like blood.

Much better:Another round of cleaning in the master bedroom may be required. I'm not entirely satisfied with the results but time/hunger demands interfered with prayerful meditation.

Most importantly: the house is now "listed". Anyone interested in renting a house in Hutto? It comes with blessings!

Christmas

During my stay at the Windsor hotel in Kunshan, China I was impressed by the presence of Christmas and all its trappings.

When I checked into the hotel their halls were decked and Christmas tunes were playing in the background (specifically - "All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth" greeted me upon my arrival).

Whenever I called down for room service, I was greeted with a cheery "Merry Christmas" and I listened to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" Muzak looping through my time on hold. And given the need to put me on hold every time I called (while they hunted down someone who spoke English), I heard that tune plenty.

Finally, I asked a local co-worker about the broad adoption of this Christian holiday. I know that Christianity exists in China but I was surprised to see so many reminders and signs of Christmas. I was curious if there was an appreciation of the significance of the holiday. I was told that most businesses were touting Christmas because of the commercial aspect - there were goods to be sold, they primarily catered to business travelers and tourists.

I wonder whether things are remarkably different in the US. We may be more cognizant of the Christian roots of the holiday but how many families really focus on the celebration of Christ's birth? How easy it is to get swept up in the decorations and the gift-giving!

Something that struck me during this Holiday season was the weirdness of Santa Claus. The song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is especially creepy. In the song, we attribute traits to Santa that better describe God. Consider Psalm 139:

Psalm 139

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

....

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God knows when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake. He knows when we've been bad or good (so be good for His son's sake!) and He loves us anyway.

God doesn't come to town once a year or only on special occasions. He is always here. He is always with us. He is always seeking a relationship with us. He's forgiving and faithful, loving us beyond measure. He leads us to everlasting life! He's way better than Santa Claus!

It's a Matter of Perspective ... and Discernment

People tell lies. This is not new news. People lie for many reasons. If someone asks me to pray for them, I don't ask why. I don't assume their story needs to be verified. It's not as if they're asking for money (in which case, you bet I'm checking the background story)! If someone's plea for support or sympathy casts someone else in a negative light, I may do some digging. There's always two sides to the story. We are supposed to be intelligent, reasoning human beings. We're also emotional and biased by our histories. I try not to take sides. I'm not in a position to judge others. But occasionally I'm called upon to discern the truth. Sometimes I'm compelled to share the truth as I see it.

When I was a teen, my high school opened up a computer club. I remember declaring my hatred for computers. By the mid-80's I realized that if I wanted a decent job, I'd have to overcome my feelings about computers and learn how to use them. In '86 I landed a job doing data entry on a mainframe computer. By '87 I was doing word processing. By the Fall of '89 I quit my job as a stenographer and went back to school to get a degree in Engineering.

Soon after that, I tapped into the internet. It was not like it is today. We had Bulletin Boards and Usenets. It didn't take long before I fell in love with computers. And I fell hard. I'm inherently a researcher and I'm proud of my ability to find all sorts of information on a variety of topics. It's a blessing. And a curse. (I give a nod to "Monk".) The Internet is a researcher's dream.

I've been a computer-geek for over 20 years, but in the land of social networking I'm still a babe in the woods. Mommy-bloggers seem so tech-savvy, blending art and design, wit and wisdom. I am humbled as I surf some of the best sites out there (according to Babble, anyway).

I'm not a Mommy-blogger. I'm barely a blogger. I'm a mother (my youngest is 15YO, my oldest is almost 24YO) and a grandmother (my 4th grandchild is due in April) and a geek. I may not be in my element, but I value the social network established through blogging, Facebook and Twitter. Most of my co-workers are mystified by my on-line presence (although many are on Facebook, few go beyond).

I could wallow in my insecurities, measuring myself against the greats and finding myself lacking. Instead I choose to do my own thing. Hopefully my "thing" is a positive reflection of my faith.

Recently, there's been another round of drama in the World of Blogcraft and on-line networks.

Last week a toddler drowned and the mom tweeted a request for prayers. As much as I'm bent on seeking the truth, I didn't stop to question (or check) the background - I stopped to ask God to be with the child and mother. On that day, God collected the toddler up to heaven and left the mom to deal with the aftermath. Ours is not to reason why. Only God knows His plans for us.

This weekend, another Tweeter sent an urgent request for someone, anyone, to call 911...and she provided an address. I'm not sure what's going on in her immediate situation but I found myself reading her "back story" all the way back to 2007. She didn't ask, but she's also in my prayers. {NOTE: in the 2 days it's taken me to finish writing this post, Jess has posted an explanation...and her thanks.}

Another blogger called for support of a friend who lost her home and family to a tragic fire. She and her family are in my prayers.

There's also the ongoing story of Anissa and the tremendous outpouring of support for her (such as this video).

Sometimes the on-line community pulls together in a positive and remarkable way. Here's a post by a woman who can truly testify to this. In this post, she's responding to the Twitter "in-fighting" that took place between the mother of the drowned toddler and a women who positioned herself as a harsh critic (she jumped in to judge the situation and its tragic outcome).

Back in October I found myself at a crossroads. In this world, people lie. Whether I like it or not, that's the plain truth. Not everyone is to be believed. I posted my thoughts on several situations that were made public via blogs. When the truth is not obvious, the burden is on the reader to decide.

Should we all become cynics? Should we doubt everything we hear? Should we refrain from sharing our opinion?

I choose to remain faithful, trusting in God to ultimately judge the action of others. Lying isn't new behavior, but the Internet leaves us exposed to a much broader audience in a much smaller "world" via our social networks. For myself, I will do my best to love everyone and offer my prayerful support as needed. How about you?

A day to be truly thankful

Today, as people all across America pause in their busy lives to give thanks, I have blessings beyond measure and my thanks are lifted up as I praise God for all He's done in my life this year.

I just took a quick peek at my post from last Thanksgiving. Last November I banged out a post every day as part of NaBloPoMo. On Thanksgiving day, my oldest daughter was barely communicating with us. Our 2nd oldest daughter was living in Pennsylvania with her husband and our grandson. Our 3rd oldest spent Thanksgiving in Del Rio with her girlfriend and her girlfriend's family. Our youngest, my husband and I enjoyed a healthy, quiet meal at home. I spent some time reading. We worked on a puzzle. We were visited by a flock of cardinals.

This November I've banged away on the keyboard as part of NaNoWriMo. Today, I crossed the finish line - not the 50k word goal (I passed that last Friday) but the actual goal of finishing the novel. Yes, I did it. It took almost 69,000 words, but I can now proudly claim to have written a novel. What a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving! Giving thanks for the flow of words and the story I was able to tell.

But, better than that! (What, pray tell, could be better than that?) Last night at about 11pm our oldest daughter and her beau arrived. Today at 11am our 2nd oldest, her husband, his mother (the MIL) and our grandson arrived. They live across town so it wasn't the journey that made their arrival remarkable. It was the drama leading up to today. She called Monday to say they weren't coming (insert MIL drama here), then yesterday decided they were going to be here after all. At about 2:30pm our youngest daughter arrived with her girlfriend. We sat down to eat soon after 3pm. All eleven of us.

After a fantastic dinner, prepared by my wonderful husband, we settled down to watch "Up". A very enjoyable movie (other than the occasional tear-jerk scenes that caused me to cry, which caused my husband to announce that I was crying much to the delight of all. Glad to be of service).

It's been a good year for many reasons, but mostly because my faith has grown (continually seeking God's guidance), my knowledge has grown (almost finished reading The Bible in a Year, huge awakening comes with the awareness and insight), my ambition has grown (well, "shifted" may be a better word - I'm no longer interested in the corporate ladder), my relationship with my children had improved dramatically (even in the absence of drama). I'm as healthy as I've ever been - physically, mentally and spiritually (given my history, that's no small feat). I'm employed, yet able to pursue my passion (ahem, that would be "writing" in case you missed that subtlety).

I'm so happy I could dance. Or sing. Or fall on my knees, lift my arms and turn my face to sky and say "Thank you, God. You are awesome." Or all of the above.

What are you thankful for?

Celebrating Life

This past year was awesome. There were many highs and many lows, but the highs were all higher than the lows. I've been through the dark valley before so I know how important it is to appreciate time spent on the mountaintop.

Today has been a day that marks a few personal accomplishments:

I'm celebrating life - I turn 45 today.

I'm celebrating my career - from stenographer to engineer to development manager to line director and now author. Today I crossed the 50,000 word target for #NaNoWriMo and I'm still going. Finishing my first novel is a major milestone. Additionally, Guidepost magazine is publishing my 2nd story (March issue). Today the editor called to clarify a few items. I'll soon be receiving the final draft for my approval. Today I lift a glass to the good Lord who guides me, my loving shepherd.

I'm celebrating family - Thanksgiving is less than a week away. I'm praying that the entire clan will be together for Thanksgiving...for the first time since (I'd have marked the calendar if I'd realized it was going to be the last time) maybe 2003.

But I'm also humbled and reminded to be grateful for all that I have and to take none of it for granted. Twitter and the World of Blogcraft have been alive with prayers for a woman I've never met, Anissa Mayhew. There are a lot of people that I respect who have written posts or Tweets that have pulled at my heart and called me into the powerful circle of prayer in the on-line community. Anissa's life has been filled with valleys and mountains. She's proven to be strong and faithful (based on all that I've read I firmly believe this to be true). She and her family need our prayers. I gladly lift up my prayers and ask that you join in.

God, Please show Your strength, Your mercy and Your grace. Bless this woman again, as You've so richly blessed her during previous trials. Be with her. Be with her family. Infuse her with Your Spirit. Only You can help her recover from the strokes that threaten her. Through Your steadfast faithfulness I trust You to show us Your power & might. All glory is Yours. Amen.

Guest post – How to Stay Young!

This was forwarded to me. Given my intense focus on writing a novel as part of NaNoWriMo I'm going to "borrow" this as a way of blowing the dust off of this blog.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them...that's why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop'...and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, conifers, hostas, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ......ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone… We all need to live life to its fullest each day!




Worry about nothing, pray about everything!

Amen.

Because I have nothing better to do...I'm ready to go!

I have been pining for a while. Pining and whining. I'm ready for a change. I've been ready for a change. On two separate occasions (once in 2005, once in 2008) I've started novels. Like miscarriages, conceived but never fully developed.

Now, I'm 3 days away from the wildest writing ride of my life. Wilder than last year's NaBloPoMo. Wilder than the last few weeks spent warming up on my non-fiction work. I'm pregnant, expectant, ready to deliver. I think my water's broken. I'm at the cusp of full-blown labor pains. NaNoWriMo.

I'm in awe. Afraid yet alive with excitement. Nervous energy wells as I edge closer to the precipice. When I wake up Sunday morning I will be at the start of something that will change me. It is inevitable. I will not leave this experience the same as when I started - no matter how the birthing process goes. I'm ready to shout it to the world. And, God willing, by the end of November I will.

"I'm a novelist!"

Alleluia!

It's a Banner Day!

In the beginning there was a standard template bearing the title of this blog "A Mother's Angst. Soon after that I jazzed it up with the emo weeping eye. I've wept so many times over my children it seemed appropriate.
I've been open about my angst, my sorrows, and sometimes my joy. The banner evolved to reflect my evolution from pervasive sorrow to the overriding joy given to us through God's grace.
Today the banner takes another step forward. I may tweak it a bit but this is closer to what I've imagined for a while now. I'm reading the book of Jeremiah and I'm overwhelmed by the example God sets for us. I can relate to God's frustration with His children, the people of Israel & Judah. Jeremiah 31 is all about restoration. I pray for the restoration of my relationships with my grown children. Meanwhile, I thank God for all that I've learned and am able to share with others.

"Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave...

...when first we practice to deceive." Sir Walter Scott

Once I read something that Neil posted on his blog and was flabbergasted...then realized he writes the best fiction I've ever found on the Internet. Bless him, he's good!

Not long ago I was floored again - this time by the horribly immature response of Alice Hoffman to a mixed review of her novel. Not a bad review, just a mixed review. She proceeded to attack the reviewer via Twitter: she posted the reviewer's e-mail and telephone number and she told "her fans" to contact the reviewer directly. This was a published author behaving quite badly, demonstrating for all how a lack of personal restraint can lead to public embarrassment and subsequent apologies. We've seen this sort of behavior from Hollywood denizens for years. Although Alice may wish to be remembered for her noble statements or her novels, she left a legacy with her hasty remarks. In the backlash of public reaction she deleted her Twitter account, but the Internet has memory and Google cache retained the information for some time.

Today I've been taken aback again by the drama played out between Nic and the TSA. Although Nic has "darkened" her blog (Update: her blog is up and she's posted an apology of sorts), her post is still out there. After I watched the TSA video I did a quick Google search and found her post among the many related hits.

I'd love to believe Nic's story because she tells it with passion and it's compelling - but the same can be said for Neil's work of fiction. One big difference - Neil didn't attack a public entity. Neil didn't create a campaign. Nic not only posted her rant, but she also posted this item on the "People's Blog" which includes a link to her post. I found several others who had taken up her cause. Only some had updated with the TSA's counterclaim. Google is an awesome and scary tool when it comes to research. Nic should know that her full name, home address and phone number turned up in my simple search for her story.

Today Maggie wrote a post expressing her dismay over the situation and some aspects of human behavior. Maggie's far more eloquent than I - I encourage you to read her thoughts for yourself. If you read this you know I'm way ahead of her, worried on her behalf about the responsibility she's shouldered in passing on information that may be difficult to verify.

In August, Nic told a story on Violence Unsilenced. Was her story there true? Perhaps Nic struggles with reality, or maybe she's writing fiction and wants to know that her stories are believable or maybe she just has a flair for the dramatic. Today's drama casts doubt on her tale, like the boy who cried wolf. "Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, and then perish when he tells the truth."

I'm a regular reader of the Violence Unsilenced posts. Because I want my comments on the VU site to be prayerful and meaningful, I take the time to visit (whenever they're available) the blogs of the victims. I want to understand them better, to appreciate their circumstances. That's how I found myself torn by Kelly's recent post on the VU site. Her blog took me to her husband's blog and between the two of them I pieced together a story of two people who are in a bad place, both culpable. It's hard for me to identify one person as abuser and one as victim - they seem to share these roles. After spending half their lives together they know where each other's buttons are and they push them. I am still praying for them - their story has touched my heart.

But Kelly posted her accusations on a well-regarded blog and thereby afforded credibility to her side of the story. But just as we see with Nic and TSA, there are two sides to every story. It's damaging to yourself and to others if you build up your self-righteous attitude based on the misguided indignation you've inspired with your half-truths.

And then there's the mixed blessing of social media. Another TSA vs. passenger drama happened in June 2007 and was also "outed" with video footage. In that video the TSA comes off less wholesome, yet the TSA still disclosed the full video. 2+ years ago Twitter wasn't as widely adopted (and blogs weren't as broadly embraced) and available for the viral spreading of the woman's claims.

In the end, each of us must decide whether we're going to walk around (or browse the Internet) believing everything we're told and taking up the sword for others with moral outrage based purely on their moral outrage .... or believing nothing because the world is filled with liars .... or having to apply ourselves to the arduous task of discerning the truth and deciding what we're willing to believe based on what we know.

The world is filled with people who tell lies. That is the truth. Nic may have believed what she posted was true but her memories might have been distorted by the anxiety and frustration experienced during her delay. Or maybe she has "issues." I don't know Nic, but she created a cloud of doubt and uncertainty that is probably warranted.

"Only simpletons believe everything they're told!" (Proverbs 14:15)

A worthwhile follow-up as the drama continues.

Update: the TSA has now posted additional video footage from multiple angles.

Meanwhile, the blogging firestorm continues.

October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Maybe you know this already, but the statistics for domestic violence and sexual assault are grim. Girls and boys are exposed to inappropriate sexual content on a regular basis. I'm worried for our children, especially our daughters. 1 out of every four is likely to be a victim. It pains me to think about the households that are filled with tension, anger, violence and struggles for survival. Every empathetic fiber of my being cries out for the justice and freedom of the oppressed.

To balance that is a firm belief that couples united in faith (i.e. pledging their vows before God) should be committed to do everything in their power to make their marriages work. Having entered into a holy partnership, subject to a divine covenant, how do you know when to hit the "escape" button? "Should I stay or should I go?" must tear at the hearts of the victims.

There's a web site that provides an outlet for victims. A safe haven, as it were. A place to speak out against the abuse they've survived. But something happened there that has left me disturbed.

How does the moderator, a modern saint, protect the site against false accusations? I'm not talking about blatant, malicious attacks against the innocent - that's the foundation of most of the unsilenced voices. No, I'm talking about someone speaking out against their spouse, telling their side of a very two-sided story. Calling out their partner for "abuse" without confessing to their own role in the sad state of affairs.

Most abuse is one-sided. There's an abuser and a victim. Sometimes, however, couples develop unhealthy relationships based on power struggles, battles for control, efforts to wound and retaliate against wrongs, both real and imaginary. The roles of abuser and victim are blurred, shared, ill-defined. She dresses provocatively, wearing low cut blouses, showing cleavage, flirting, starved for attention. He's jealous and angry, resenting the attention she gets from others, even though he doesn't show her enough attention himself. Anger, distrust and hurt brew in the subtext of every conversation. Words that can never be reclaimed are hurled during the heat of anger. Names are called. Ugly, hateful names. Because in the depth of their pain they each want their beloved to hurt as much as they do.

Worse, they began to seek allies outside of their partnership. Others who will support "their side". "Friends" who tell them "You should leave your partner! They're a scoundrel! You deserve better!" Worst yet - when seeking support from someone of the opposite sex. This bolsters the individual ego "Hey! I'm not so bad. This guy/gal likes me. Why can't my spouse see what they see." And the partner? This new ally is the enemy and the very relationship is a betrayal, fostering even more hurt and distrust. Don't kid yourself folks, it's not innocent. If you must find someone to talk to, seek a counselor. If you have friends that support you, stick with same-sex friends. Don't feign innocence defending your opposite sex ally. Your partner has every reason to object, even if nothing is happening.

My heart is hurting for a couple that is in the throes of a public separation. I've been reading both of their sides and I see from within. I've been there. I've lived through this. I can testify that this hard time can be survived, but in order to do so the idea of "right/wrong" must be abandoned. There is not going to be one victor and one loser, just as there is not one abuser and one victim. This relationship can be mended when these two people recognize that their love for each other is their best ally. Changes will be slow and there will be back-slides, but the man I was ready to leave (let go) 10 years ago is the same man I can't imagine life without today, tomorrow, until death do us part. I speak from experience.

I pray for this couple, I pray for my husband and myself, I pray for all couples everywhere. Relationships are hard.

The world is filled with people who are willing to throw their commitments into the fire and move on to the next one - and they'll encourage you to do the same. Don't listen. Pray. Seek help from sources who support your effort to work through the changes you both must make. Pray some more. Focus on what YOU must change and hold on to your love. Don't imagine the grass is greener elsewhere. Things have gotten bleak but you can get past this. These hard times can make you stronger. I'm praying for you.

I'm back! Starting with a story about "Messages"

I had a delightful trip to China. Delightful in that work was productive, play was adventuresome and there were no incidents of barfing. Out of about 8 or so trips to Asia (China, Taiwan and Malaysia) this is only the 2nd time I've avoided getting sick during the trip. The consequence is apparently going to be a painful bout of jet-lag.

I plan to post a series of tales, with photos. My family received regular e-mails from me, telling of my adventures but without photos. My access to the internet during my stay was flaky at best - I was only occasionally able to access facebook or Twitter (and even then I randomly lost my connection).

I'm starting with a post that ties into the theme of a Blog Carnival, hosted by a friend. Then I'll pick up from the beginning and tell the tales in ~chronological order.

Messages

As a preamble to this story I should explain an interesting traffic phenomenon of the Orient. There are some laws that are strictly followed and some are strictly disregarded. Very few drivers travel in excess of the posted limit. Very few drivers pay any attention to the stripes painted on the roads. This latter behavior is evident in the propensity to make 4 lanes out of 3, and to use oncoming lanes for passing. Or left turns. Really, just whatever is convenient. Since the roads are shared with bicycles, skooters and pedestrians, I'm always amazed that there are not very many accidents here - these guys are serious defensive drivers. But I digress.

I mention the disregard for lanes because this behavior came into play during one of my morning swims. The Swiss Hotel (actually the "Swissotel") has a 3 lane pool with no lane dividers - just the 3 stripes on the pool bottom. When I arrived one morning to find a man in the first lane and another man in the 3rd lane, each of them swimming the breast stroke, I was not thrilled but I figured if I stuck to freestyle and backstroke I'd be okay.

About 15 minutes into my swim a 4th swimmer joined us. Although she was a petite little thing, she was also swimming breaststroke - apparently a local favorite. In true Asian fashion she simply joined us, forcing a 4th lane where there should be 3. After getting almost clipped by a kick from a passing swimmer, I gave up.

I was remorseful until I got to my room and realized I was off in calculating the timing of my morning routine! So, in the end I was delighted to have been "forced out" of the pool. I was only a few minutes late for breakfast.

Everything happens for a reason. More importantly, we should listen for messages in any given situation. There may not be a clear connection here, but that is in the fault of the storyteller. In the moment, I felt a clear message to wrap up my swim. When I came to appreciate the benefit of that message, I had no doubt but to assign credit to God for His gracious intervention. Had I continued swimming I would have undoubtedly inconvenienced others.

How often do we ignore the messages that are sent our way? It's so easy in our busy, noisy lives to focus on the hustle and bustle and ignore the quiet whispers that might nudge us one way or another. One of the things I enjoyed about being disconnected for 2 weeks (in a part of the world where English was limited or non-existent), was the forced period of solitude and introspection. Even in a crowd, I was alone. I could speak, but I couldn't make myself understood. I could hear, but I couldn't understand. I was forced to listen with my whole self.

God, I pray that my heart remains uncalloused; that my eyes may see and my ears may hear as You guide me on Your path. No matter where I go, may I remain connected to You. (Matthew 13:1-23)

Where do I begin?

I am a mother of 4, married 23 years. I started working when I was 12, delivering newspapers. Since then I've worked in fast food, in 2 different grocery stores as a checker or in the deli/bakery. I traveled with Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey Circus. I've been a lifeguard for neighborhood pools. I spent 3 years as a clerk/typist/data entry/stenographer for government entities. This last motivated me to complete my engineering degree. With the higher education I filled various roles in product development, including Simulation Engineer providing analysis of transmission lines and electromagnetics for electronic products. Currently, I am an Engineering Manager responsible for developing notebook computers for a large company in central Texas. Raising children has proven to be a lot more difficult than any job I've ever had. Although it is the easiest job to land (no experience required), it comes without training or adequate preparation.

With the birth of our first child, I was disappointed to discover the absence of a training manual or owner's handbook. Upon the arrival of our second I realized none of what I'd learned with Child #1 was directly applicable to Child #2. By the time our 3rd child was born, I thought I knew what I was doing. Shortly after we adopted our 4th child (who chronologically lands between #2 and #3) I realized I was wrong about most of what I thought I knew.

Now that our children are mostly grown and gone (all but our youngest), I've just about gotten a handle on parenthood. Our youngest, at 14, has a different set of parents than the oldest had at that age. Much of the transformation can be attributed to a few books that I wish I'd read 20 years ago, listed here:

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, by Gary Chapman
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, by Cline & Fay
Boundaries with Kids, by Henry Cloud

Chapman and Cloud have additional books that apply to relationships - also highly recommended reading. By the time I started reading these books, my 2 oldest children had already moved out. During the year that followed #2's departure, I started making significant changes in my parenting style. The most important change was to allow our children to accept the consequences of their actions. There's an element of "tough love" baked in to this parenting style. Although it is difficult to change the family dynamics, ultimately, it is a much less stressful style. The down side is the lack of support from the parents of the teen's peers. Child #2 and Child #3 each moved out when they turned 18, and moved in with one of their friend's family - where they were not fettered with accountability or responsibility. At least 2 of the oldest 3 found homes where they could drink, smoke and have sex freely. The 3rd moved out to live with her girlfriend's family. In response to our concern about the sexual nature of their relationship, the girl's parents reassured us that they slept in separate rooms. Our youngest seems to be doing fine, so hopefully we can get through high school without too much heartache.

I must also list the best reference book of all - the Holy Bible. In the last few years I have come to appreciate that my children are God's children that He has entrusted to my husband and me. We have done our best, and we will continue to do our best. I have to believe that they will return like the prodigal son, eventually awakening with a maturity that allows them to return to relationship with earthly and heavenly parents.

I am called to share our learnings in hopes that our experiences might benefit other parents. The Bible has a lot to say about parenthood, as well as life choices. The guidelines provided there are not for the fainthearted. It takes a good amount of fortitude to live as God wants us to live, and to raise our children to do the same. I know that we are never challenged beyond what we can handle, and I believe that suffering is not without purpose. Although we may not gain insight from our trials until they are long behind us, we can be assured that without trials we are less likely to grow closer to and maintain a relationship with God.

I pray that I hear back from anyone who benefits from what I publish here. I am stepping out in faith to share experiences that have brought me great pain and heartache. I know that I am not alone, and neither are you.

Peace,