Lent is a time for change

I am in the middle of an epic internal conflict, wringing my hands and crying, “What to do? What to do?”

Why the drama? My last two Lenten reflections left me looking through the glass darkly, wondering what’s in store for me. I’m determined to follow Jesus, to not be one of those who shrug and turn away, sorrowful but unwilling to let go of the things I know in favor of the things that could be.

This week I’ve been on Spring Break vacation but work demands have mired me in a sea of angst as I’ve struggled with some personnel challenges. This is not an enjoyable part of my role. It is not spiritually rewarding. Employment as a whole though, I must admit, is financially rewarding. It is nice to have income. As much as I dream of making a living through other means, I do not think any of the alternatives I have in mind would be nearly as lucrative.

Ah, lucre, the money…. Is that what I’ve become? A lover of money? No one in scripture who loves money is able to give themselves wholly to Christ. It is easier to wedge a camel through the eye of a needle, right? Am I clinging to employment as a way of avoiding the risk of discipleship? Can I be a disciple while remaining in my current role?

Today I took a leap of faith and paid for 3 years worth of a new domain: FGHart.com. Now I face the challenge of setting it up and putting it to good use. I’m praying for God to grant me singleness of mind and faithful obedience to His will. (2 Chronicles 30:12)

Lent is a time to repent and heed God's call

We are all called to repent and we are called to follow Jesus. When we repent, first we (probably) feel guilt or remorse for our misdeeds, then (ideally) we turn away from the “bad” behavior and move towards more noble pursuits.

I’m reminded of two encounters recorded in the Gospels. In one (Matthew 19, Mark 10, Luke 18), Jesus encounters a “good” man. This man, a successful leader in his community, runs up to Jesus, falls on his knees and says, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

Jesus points out that only God is good. Then, he asks the man if he knows the Commandments.

The man responds, “Of course! I know the commandments and I always obey them! I have since I was a child.”

Jesus looked at him and loved him. He said, “That’s great! There’s only one thing left for you to do. You must sell everything you own and give the proceeds to the poor. Then, follow me.”

The man’s face fell and he went away sad, because he had many possessions. He turned away from Jesus; he walked away from what he was called to do.

In a separate encounter (Matthew 9, Mark 2, Luke 5), Jesus met a Tax Collector. With the label “Tax Collector” we know he must have been considered a “bad” man. Jesus came by the tax booth (where the man was sitting) and said, “Follow me.”

The man got up, left everything and followed Jesus.

Later Jesus declared, “I have not called the righteous, but the sinners to repentance.” So, if only God is righteous then we can conclude we fall into the category of those called to repentance.

Lent is a time of reflection and repentance. It is a time for considering that which separates us from God and, once identified, turning away from those things and turning toward Him, leaving everything to follow Jesus.

A friend of mine pointed out that my personal struggle with managing time is an opportunity for me. For Lent, she suggested, I should turn away from the clock, from unanswered e-mails, dirty dishes, laundry and other demands in order to spend time in prayerful meditation, devotion and worship. More specifically, I am devoting more intentional time pursuing God's call for me.

Q: What are you doing for Lent?

Lenten considerations

Jesus told his disciples, I am the Bread of Life; whoever eats of my flesh and drinks of my blood will have eternal life. This startling disclosure came shortly after the miraculous feeding of five thousand with five loaves of barley bread and two small fish. The crowd of people gathered there called him a prophet and wanted to make him king.

Jesus withdrew from the crowd, walking on rough waters to join his Twelve disciples in boat crossing the Sea of Galilee to Capernaum. At the synagogue Capernaum the crowd caught up with him.

Jesus told them, “Don’t work for food that spoils but for food that endures to eternal life, food that the Son of Man will give you.”

They responded, “What should we do to perform God’s works?”

Jesus answered, “To believe in the one He has sent.”

So they asked, “What sign will you give so that we can believe you? After all, our ancestors ate manna during their wilderness wanderings, as it is written ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’”

Jesus clarified, “It isn’t Moses who gives bread from heaven, but my Father who now offers you the true bread from heaven, giving life to the world.”

They said, “Always give us this bread.”

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never hunger or thirst. Though you’ve seen me in action, you still don’t believe. Everyone the Father gives me will come to me and I will never drive them away, for I have come to do His will. This is the will of the one who sent me; that I shall lose none that he has given me but raise them up at the last day. My Father’s will is that everyone who looks at the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life and I will raise them up at the last day.

Jesus’ followers, devoted though they were, found this claim hard to swallow.

Jesus reiterated his promise of eternal life four more times and the people continued to grumble. He then spelled out the promise which is a core tenant of Christian faith. He told them, “Eat my flesh, drink my blood – the true food and drink, the true bread that came down from heaven, the source of eternal life.”

Many of his disciples turned away in response to this difficult message. He asked the Twelve, “Don’t you want to leave also?”

Simon Peter responded, “Where would we go? You offer the words of eternal life. We have come to know you are the Holy One of God.”

As a disciple of Jesus Christ we are called not just to follow him but to not turn away from him when we face the challenges put before us. Lent is a time of discipline and quiet introspection. Don’t turn away from the challenges of life, but embrace those challenges. Remain steadfast. God is calling you to eternal life.

A Tale About Trolls

Once upon a time, in a land that might or might not be far, far away, there lived a troll. This troll, like any troll, had "issues", not the least of which is her overwhelming anger. Sure she had friends she could growl with, but it wasn't enough to satisfy the pain in her heart.

One day she happened to find the house of someone she could hate. She knew a little bit about this person and it was enough. She settled in under their porch and prepared herself for a good time.

She anticipated so much fun she invited over some friends. They took turns leaving angry, nasty comments for the homeowner to find. But something went horribly wrong for them. For two weeks, nothing happened! They felt neither rewarded nor relieved.

The troll soon realized the homeowner's sister's address was posted proudly on the wall so she crept over and hid under the unsuspecting sister's porch. What the troll didn't seem to realize was that the sister's home welcomes anyone exploring their faith or (and this is the good part) for anyone looking to learn from the many mistakes she made in raising her children.

The troll spent some time exploring the home, and maybe she thought she had all the ammunition she needed when she launched her first round. But alas, shouting recriminations about poor parenting skills or poking at her faith...it made the sister chuckle.

"Why 'yes'!" the sister admitted, "You're right! I'm not perfect, by far. I've made many mistakes. I've wept many a tear and I've learned a lot. I've grown stronger but more importantly I've grown closer to God. Through my trials I've developed a deeper faith. Please, come in and stay a while. I'd like to hear more about your experiences. You're welcome any time you want; I love to talk about my faith. You don't have to agree with me. I appreciate the company and the opportunity to explore and share!"

I'm not sure how this story ends. You tell me....

Dear Lord, I pray for people who feel the need to criticize and be negative in a world already filled with pain and sorrow. Bless us as we strive to do our best, by Your grace. Help us all to love one another as You have commanded us. Amen.

Three Words for 2011 (and insight into how my mind works)

Sure, I'd heard a bit of the buzz...but amidst all of the noise and fanfare of the incoming new year I'd not stopped to discern just what was that buzzing noise I was hearing about "3 words". Then a friend e-mailed me and mentioned her own pursuit of the 3 words that would be her focus for 2011 so I finally stopped and listened.

I read Chris Brogen's post on the subject. I read the three words chosen by him and by others (in Chris' comments and here and here). I sent Chris Brogen's link to my staff and challenged them to come up with their own 3 words and to make sure their goals supported their 3 words. But I still couldn't seem to come up with my own three words. My thinking went something like this:

"Focus" should be one of the words because I really need to stay focused, but that seems silly because the words are supposed to be the focus. I can't focus on focus. What would be my goals? Be less ADD? Sit still for at least 5 minutes before succumbing to interruption and distraction?

"Faith" doesn't need to be one of the words because I'm blessed with a deep, abiding faith these days (although Lord knows it is often tested).

Maybe "Boundaries" should be on the list. I tend to work way too many hours and not leave enough time for the things (and people) I love. Really it's a matter of "balance". Yes, "balance" should be one of the words. I can measure my days and assess how well I'm maintaining balance. My to-do lists, my calendar, my e-mail all reflect the balance (or lack thereof) in my life.

But what else? Maybe "focus". I don't stay focused very well. But I've already considered & discarded that one. Hmmm.

"Discern"? I often pray for discernment, so that I can know God's will. "Obey"? Once I feel guided, am I obedient? "Act"? Do I act according to God's desires for me? Do I understand God's purpose and plan for me? Do I follow where he leads me?

All through the day yesterday and today I wrestled with distilling all of this down to three words. Three little words (or big words) that will have meaning for me. Three words that will help me stay focused on my goals. Three words that are better than any meaningless resolution. I tried on other people's words but nothing seemed to fit.

Meanwhile, on the radio, on the internet, at church, amongst friends I keep hearing talk of change. It's that time of year. But I don't really want change per se. I just want to stay focused on the things that matter.

Finally, Micah 6:8 resonated from the pages of the chronological Bible I'm reading. God has shown me what he requires of me: to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God.

So after spending a little more time thinking about the words that will help me stay focused on what God wants of me, here's my list:

Prudence, Mercy, Humility

Prudence = the characteristic of exercising sound judgment in practical affairs; act justly.

Mercy = a disposition to be kind and forgiving; compassionate treatment of others; a blessing

Humility = the quality of being modest, reverential, never rude or self-abasing; temperance (restraint against inordinate desires or appetites).

So, yes, some change will be required. Ultimately I think these 3 words capture a life of discernment and obedience with the necessary element of humility ... which will honestly require the greatest effort of the three.

May God bless me this year. May God bless us all.

What are your three words?

A funny thing happened on the way to December

One morning, late in October, on the first morning following the Women of Faith Conference in San Antonio, I awoke early and went to my favorite spot (in the sun room) for morning prayer. And I took a petition to God.

"God," I said. "Should I try to write a novel in November?" You see, I had NaNoWriMo on my mind. If you're not familiar with NaNoWriMo, it's the annual shaking loose of 50,000 words, ideally coherent, in the form of a novel.

After I offered up my petition, I proceeded to list the plethora of reasons why it was a bad idea, including the best possible excuse "I don't even have a plot in mind!" And immediately (and I really do mean IMMEDIATELY) God graced me with a plot: Write about a woman whose soul is fought over by the forces of good and evil.

"Wow! Thanks God. I've got it from here!"

Then for two weeks I suffered from interruptions and illness to the point of giving up. Seriously. And I was justified in quitting, I assure you. By the morning of November 14 I'd written a grand total of ~2777 words. That's an average of barely more than 200 words per day. To reach 50k it takes an average of 1,667 words per day. By the morning of November 19 (a whole 5 days later, in case you're not doing the math) my average was up to almost 440 words per day. Pitiful.

Then I went to lunch with my priest. If any of you are really wanting to get some insightful counseling from a pastor who cares, I sincerely recommend a session with Bruce. He channels the voice of God.

So yeah, God, in the form of my priest Father Bruce, kicked me in the seat of my figurative pants and asked me if I was going to obey or insult Him with my continued whining about "I can't".

Sure, the month was almost 3/4 over. Sure, I was woefully behind. Was I implying that God couldn't? This is God we're talking about here. The same God who whittled down Gideon's army from 32k to 300 so that their victory over the Midionites (who were thick as locusts) would be credited to God. Yes, that God.

What's a girl to do? I sat my butt down in front of my computer and averaged over 3800 words per day for the next 12 days and I finished the novel that God put on my heart. And if you don't believe me, well here's my tracking spreadsheet (yes, I'm an engineer) and my winner's banner:

The valley and the mountaintop

When you're walking through the valley, sometimes it is enough to know that there are mountaintops. Faith, by the definition offered in Hebrews 11:1, is confidence in the things we hope for but can't see.

I'm not worried about my valley. Life happens in the valleys. Evangelism happens in the valleys. Faith happens in the valleys. I trust that there is a mountaintop in my future. I don't need to see it now to know that my turn will come.

Today I was blessed by a Kairos closing ceremony. I don't think it's possible to attend a Kairos closing without being blessed by the experience. It's unfortunate that there are some whose attitude might detract from the experience but today I thankfully wasn't affected by that. Listening to the Kairos participants talk is all about listening to the voices calling from the mountaintop. They are swimming in love, glowing with grace and glory, overflowing with the Spirit. It's a beautiful thing.

My friend Bernie reminded me that my blog was moldering in the valley. Yes, I've been busy. Busy with work. Busy with world travel. Busy with weak attempts at this year's NaNoWriMo. Busy with working out. Busy with playing the piano. Busy with the valley.

I drove to/from the Bartlett state jail in my '99 Mustang convertible, top down, hair flying...and I enjoyed my freedom. I enjoyed knowing that there will be better days. That's my faith, and I'm living it.

The Valley of Humiliation

Sometimes it takes the convergence of apparently unrelated vectors in life to shake us awake so we can appreciate the reality of our circumstances. In the work-world, I've been giving and receiving advice about how to not just survive but thrive in the corporate environment. Meanwhile, I've fallen behind in my daily reading of Oswald Chamber's devotional "My Utmost for His Highest". This morning, before I rose I read the October 2nd entry "The Place of Humiliation" and it struck a chord, resonating and filling me with truth. I may be in Taipei physically but spiritually, mentally and emotionally I'm walking in the Valley of Humiliation.

I've gotten a little (or extremely) full of myself, thinking I deserve better than what I'm getting. I trust God and I trust God's timing... but why is this situation taking so long to "fix"? Why must I suffer so? Aren't I destined for greatness?

Where is my faith as I survive the mundane? I've fallen into a trap of believing that my faith will enable me to do great things. Instead, I realize now that I should focus on revealing God's glory in the valley, where the real work happens. That's faith. Real faith. Trusting God not because I'm living in a moment of heightened awareness, overwhelmed by the sheer joy of knowing Him but because in the absence of any clear indication of His presence I still know He is here with me.

God doesn't have to prove anything to me and God doesn't owe me anything. Life in the valley of humiliation is what it is: life. We can't serve God's greater purpose without spending time humbly trudging along in the valley. That, my friends, is God's kingdom here on earth. Welcome.

Baptism - Josalynn Marie Hicks

Although my oldest two daughters hated each other during their teen years, my forecast of their eventual reunion has finally hit a major milestone of "see-I-told-you-so" maternal truth. They are turning the corner in their relationship and hopefully they will someday enjoy the closeness that I experience with my sisters. I detested my sisters when I lived at home but as an adult, they are my dearest friends.

Last weekend (7/4/10), my granddaughter (Child #2 of my Child #2) was baptized. In these photos, she is held by her aunt, my eldest.

The lovely cake (from HEB):
The beautiful child, Josalynn Marie Hicks:

We welcome her into the family of Christ. She is a beloved member of our family.

Christmas

During my stay at the Windsor hotel in Kunshan, China I was impressed by the presence of Christmas and all its trappings.

When I checked into the hotel their halls were decked and Christmas tunes were playing in the background (specifically - "All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth" greeted me upon my arrival).

Whenever I called down for room service, I was greeted with a cheery "Merry Christmas" and I listened to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" Muzak looping through my time on hold. And given the need to put me on hold every time I called (while they hunted down someone who spoke English), I heard that tune plenty.

Finally, I asked a local co-worker about the broad adoption of this Christian holiday. I know that Christianity exists in China but I was surprised to see so many reminders and signs of Christmas. I was curious if there was an appreciation of the significance of the holiday. I was told that most businesses were touting Christmas because of the commercial aspect - there were goods to be sold, they primarily catered to business travelers and tourists.

I wonder whether things are remarkably different in the US. We may be more cognizant of the Christian roots of the holiday but how many families really focus on the celebration of Christ's birth? How easy it is to get swept up in the decorations and the gift-giving!

Something that struck me during this Holiday season was the weirdness of Santa Claus. The song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is especially creepy. In the song, we attribute traits to Santa that better describe God. Consider Psalm 139:

Psalm 139

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

....

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God knows when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake. He knows when we've been bad or good (so be good for His son's sake!) and He loves us anyway.

God doesn't come to town once a year or only on special occasions. He is always here. He is always with us. He is always seeking a relationship with us. He's forgiving and faithful, loving us beyond measure. He leads us to everlasting life! He's way better than Santa Claus!

In case that last post sounded sanctimonious

I'm not sanctimonious or holier-than-thou even if my last post sounded that way. My children may have survived thus far, but that is more of a reflection of God's grace than my parenting skills.

Maybe I'm sensitive to the harsh criticism dished out by M. McGraw because I've been the subject of other parent's judgment before. During their teen years my daughters were always able to find a sympathetic ear and welcoming arms in the form of "replacement moms". D#3 moved in with a family whose mother actually told my mother she (the replacement mom) would never treat her children the way I've treated mine. Nice, eh? And all of the judgment passed over me by those replacement moms without benefit of Twitter.

And with Twitter? It definitely gives me something to think about. One of my daughters follows me on Twitter (although I don't think she actively follows me, she could). One of my co-workers is also a "follower". But it's more than that that makes me think before I Tweet. It's about the understanding that once Tweeted, the whole world is privvy to the thought I captured in 140 characters or less.

Do my Tweets make the world a better place? Do they spread light? Or darkness? As Christians we're tasked with trying to spread light so that filter should apply to everything we do or say.

I won't claim that before every Tweet I consider that it could be my last but I do try to apply a reasonable filter and use good judgment. Maybe it's something along the lines of "What Would Jesus Tweet" (although not that well thought through).

Even with that in mind, after I tweeted this "Co-piloting while 15 YO drives the most dangerous stretch of I35. Praying! Oh, Lord be with us!" it occurred to me - if we were in an accident (traffic was really nutty with all of the holiday shoppers) someone might correctly assume I wasn't paying enough attention to my child who was in a potentially dangerous situation. As the co-pilot I was supposed to be paying attention, responsible and accountable for the safety of others.

My sisters and I often communicate via Twitter and in a way I was reaching out to them. It seemed better to focus on framing my next Tweet than to stress out. Maybe not. Fortunately we weren't in an accident and my decision to send a Tweet wasn't hotly debated by those who might choose to judge me. Or if it was, none of that was shared with me.

My musing this week weren't meant to imply that I've got it all figured out. Far from it. I'm still trying to figure it out. Although I could post stories about what a horrible parent I've been and what tragic mistakes I've made to the detriment of my children, I choose to focus on how I think things *should* work.

Our social networks should work for good, not evil. And when we Tweet, we should Tweet responsibly.

That's all. Oh, and.... Merry Christmas!

{From today's reading in The One Year Bible: "Judge fairly, and show mercy and kindness to one another." (Zechariah 7:8)}

It's a Matter of Perspective ... and Discernment

People tell lies. This is not new news. People lie for many reasons. If someone asks me to pray for them, I don't ask why. I don't assume their story needs to be verified. It's not as if they're asking for money (in which case, you bet I'm checking the background story)! If someone's plea for support or sympathy casts someone else in a negative light, I may do some digging. There's always two sides to the story. We are supposed to be intelligent, reasoning human beings. We're also emotional and biased by our histories. I try not to take sides. I'm not in a position to judge others. But occasionally I'm called upon to discern the truth. Sometimes I'm compelled to share the truth as I see it.

When I was a teen, my high school opened up a computer club. I remember declaring my hatred for computers. By the mid-80's I realized that if I wanted a decent job, I'd have to overcome my feelings about computers and learn how to use them. In '86 I landed a job doing data entry on a mainframe computer. By '87 I was doing word processing. By the Fall of '89 I quit my job as a stenographer and went back to school to get a degree in Engineering.

Soon after that, I tapped into the internet. It was not like it is today. We had Bulletin Boards and Usenets. It didn't take long before I fell in love with computers. And I fell hard. I'm inherently a researcher and I'm proud of my ability to find all sorts of information on a variety of topics. It's a blessing. And a curse. (I give a nod to "Monk".) The Internet is a researcher's dream.

I've been a computer-geek for over 20 years, but in the land of social networking I'm still a babe in the woods. Mommy-bloggers seem so tech-savvy, blending art and design, wit and wisdom. I am humbled as I surf some of the best sites out there (according to Babble, anyway).

I'm not a Mommy-blogger. I'm barely a blogger. I'm a mother (my youngest is 15YO, my oldest is almost 24YO) and a grandmother (my 4th grandchild is due in April) and a geek. I may not be in my element, but I value the social network established through blogging, Facebook and Twitter. Most of my co-workers are mystified by my on-line presence (although many are on Facebook, few go beyond).

I could wallow in my insecurities, measuring myself against the greats and finding myself lacking. Instead I choose to do my own thing. Hopefully my "thing" is a positive reflection of my faith.

Recently, there's been another round of drama in the World of Blogcraft and on-line networks.

Last week a toddler drowned and the mom tweeted a request for prayers. As much as I'm bent on seeking the truth, I didn't stop to question (or check) the background - I stopped to ask God to be with the child and mother. On that day, God collected the toddler up to heaven and left the mom to deal with the aftermath. Ours is not to reason why. Only God knows His plans for us.

This weekend, another Tweeter sent an urgent request for someone, anyone, to call 911...and she provided an address. I'm not sure what's going on in her immediate situation but I found myself reading her "back story" all the way back to 2007. She didn't ask, but she's also in my prayers. {NOTE: in the 2 days it's taken me to finish writing this post, Jess has posted an explanation...and her thanks.}

Another blogger called for support of a friend who lost her home and family to a tragic fire. She and her family are in my prayers.

There's also the ongoing story of Anissa and the tremendous outpouring of support for her (such as this video).

Sometimes the on-line community pulls together in a positive and remarkable way. Here's a post by a woman who can truly testify to this. In this post, she's responding to the Twitter "in-fighting" that took place between the mother of the drowned toddler and a women who positioned herself as a harsh critic (she jumped in to judge the situation and its tragic outcome).

Back in October I found myself at a crossroads. In this world, people lie. Whether I like it or not, that's the plain truth. Not everyone is to be believed. I posted my thoughts on several situations that were made public via blogs. When the truth is not obvious, the burden is on the reader to decide.

Should we all become cynics? Should we doubt everything we hear? Should we refrain from sharing our opinion?

I choose to remain faithful, trusting in God to ultimately judge the action of others. Lying isn't new behavior, but the Internet leaves us exposed to a much broader audience in a much smaller "world" via our social networks. For myself, I will do my best to love everyone and offer my prayerful support as needed. How about you?

A day to be truly thankful

Today, as people all across America pause in their busy lives to give thanks, I have blessings beyond measure and my thanks are lifted up as I praise God for all He's done in my life this year.

I just took a quick peek at my post from last Thanksgiving. Last November I banged out a post every day as part of NaBloPoMo. On Thanksgiving day, my oldest daughter was barely communicating with us. Our 2nd oldest daughter was living in Pennsylvania with her husband and our grandson. Our 3rd oldest spent Thanksgiving in Del Rio with her girlfriend and her girlfriend's family. Our youngest, my husband and I enjoyed a healthy, quiet meal at home. I spent some time reading. We worked on a puzzle. We were visited by a flock of cardinals.

This November I've banged away on the keyboard as part of NaNoWriMo. Today, I crossed the finish line - not the 50k word goal (I passed that last Friday) but the actual goal of finishing the novel. Yes, I did it. It took almost 69,000 words, but I can now proudly claim to have written a novel. What a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving! Giving thanks for the flow of words and the story I was able to tell.

But, better than that! (What, pray tell, could be better than that?) Last night at about 11pm our oldest daughter and her beau arrived. Today at 11am our 2nd oldest, her husband, his mother (the MIL) and our grandson arrived. They live across town so it wasn't the journey that made their arrival remarkable. It was the drama leading up to today. She called Monday to say they weren't coming (insert MIL drama here), then yesterday decided they were going to be here after all. At about 2:30pm our youngest daughter arrived with her girlfriend. We sat down to eat soon after 3pm. All eleven of us.

After a fantastic dinner, prepared by my wonderful husband, we settled down to watch "Up". A very enjoyable movie (other than the occasional tear-jerk scenes that caused me to cry, which caused my husband to announce that I was crying much to the delight of all. Glad to be of service).

It's been a good year for many reasons, but mostly because my faith has grown (continually seeking God's guidance), my knowledge has grown (almost finished reading The Bible in a Year, huge awakening comes with the awareness and insight), my ambition has grown (well, "shifted" may be a better word - I'm no longer interested in the corporate ladder), my relationship with my children had improved dramatically (even in the absence of drama). I'm as healthy as I've ever been - physically, mentally and spiritually (given my history, that's no small feat). I'm employed, yet able to pursue my passion (ahem, that would be "writing" in case you missed that subtlety).

I'm so happy I could dance. Or sing. Or fall on my knees, lift my arms and turn my face to sky and say "Thank you, God. You are awesome." Or all of the above.

What are you thankful for?

Celebrating Life

This past year was awesome. There were many highs and many lows, but the highs were all higher than the lows. I've been through the dark valley before so I know how important it is to appreciate time spent on the mountaintop.

Today has been a day that marks a few personal accomplishments:

I'm celebrating life - I turn 45 today.

I'm celebrating my career - from stenographer to engineer to development manager to line director and now author. Today I crossed the 50,000 word target for #NaNoWriMo and I'm still going. Finishing my first novel is a major milestone. Additionally, Guidepost magazine is publishing my 2nd story (March issue). Today the editor called to clarify a few items. I'll soon be receiving the final draft for my approval. Today I lift a glass to the good Lord who guides me, my loving shepherd.

I'm celebrating family - Thanksgiving is less than a week away. I'm praying that the entire clan will be together for Thanksgiving...for the first time since (I'd have marked the calendar if I'd realized it was going to be the last time) maybe 2003.

But I'm also humbled and reminded to be grateful for all that I have and to take none of it for granted. Twitter and the World of Blogcraft have been alive with prayers for a woman I've never met, Anissa Mayhew. There are a lot of people that I respect who have written posts or Tweets that have pulled at my heart and called me into the powerful circle of prayer in the on-line community. Anissa's life has been filled with valleys and mountains. She's proven to be strong and faithful (based on all that I've read I firmly believe this to be true). She and her family need our prayers. I gladly lift up my prayers and ask that you join in.

God, Please show Your strength, Your mercy and Your grace. Bless this woman again, as You've so richly blessed her during previous trials. Be with her. Be with her family. Infuse her with Your Spirit. Only You can help her recover from the strokes that threaten her. Through Your steadfast faithfulness I trust You to show us Your power & might. All glory is Yours. Amen.

Ready? Set....

How many people woke up today thinking about preparations for Halloween? I woke up thinking about preparations for NaNoWriMo. I'm again reminded more of pregnancy and labor/delivery than anything else. My thoughts have been all about the coming date: November 1st. The start of labor. The beginning of a month-long delivery. By November 30th I'll have birthed a novel. Excited & scared? Yes! Ready? Who knows?

Today I'll be prepping the house, just like a did in the days before delivering babies. I feel like I'm nesting. My home office, my bedroom, my bathroom, my closet, etc. I want all of it to be clean, somewhat organized, "ready" for a distraction-free period. I will not have time to sort clothes (Fall/Winter finally arriving in Central Texas - it's time to put away T-shirts and dig out sweaters!) or let myself get sucked into petty distractions. I'm clearing all of the clutter as I prepare for this adventure.

I've been trying to prepare the family as well, but I'm not sure if they get it. I'm not sure if I get it so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised or disappointed. I need them in my cheering section, not contributing to the distractions. Life is busy enough.

This morning I listened to the 4 tips for week 1 and I can't help but worry that I'm only good for the last item. Item 3 will take great effort.

1) Go to "Write-In" (group noveling sessions)

2) Go big early: Write 2-5k words on November 1st

3) Do not revise: "Revision is for December"

4) It's okay to not know where the story is going: that'll come in week 3 or 4

Tomorrow, Day 1: Church and children will consume most of the 1st half of the day. Then I'm going to the Kairos closing at Barlett jail. The local Write-In conflicts with the Bartlett closing.

I'm looking forward to seeing how many words I can write as I work my way around all of the planned activities. Although the average daily word count is 1,667 I'm targeting 2k/day because I know there will be days when I may not get much written. This week I will not have conference calls because key members from the Taiwan team will be in Austin. There may be dinners scheduled. Courtesy dictates attendance (but not necessarily lingering so I'll eat 'n run). Next week and after - I've told my boss I may need some time off.

I've been marking the calendar with all of my November commitments. Fortunately it looks like my business trip to China may squeeze into December so that's a relief. Meanwhile, everything else? Weighed against progress on my word count. Which is why I need to front-end load the daily writing. Some of the commitments and conflicts of time/interest (like the photo-shoot for Guideposts - my story will be in the March issue) can't be avoided.

Meanwhile, I had to explain to my husband (again) that I won't be available to join him for TV-watching. I know he supports me but the reality hasn't really set in for him yet. He needs to understand that the word flow will be like the dwarf bamboo that wants to take over our back yard. The words, sentences, paragraphs, pages will grow & multiply filling all available space during the month of November. I like that image. Let the words flow and grow. Pruning and weeding will come in December.

I do feel God is pleased with the basic premise & characters He's brought to mind. I pray that I can do justice to these ideas and bring the story to life. May God be with us!

Monday Madness - perspective

Sometimes life is all about perspective. Glasses that are half full are also half empty. Joy is a choice we make. A gift of grace available to each of us, but a gift that must be accepted. Because joy is a matter of perspective.

A few weeks ago I signed up for the National Novel Writer's Month (NaNoWriMo) experience. I can tell you a million reasons why I don't have time for this. I can fill my heart with fear and self-recriminations. Or I can choose joy and hope, faithful that if it's God's will, then it will happen and confident that if it's not - it doesn't matter.

I will remind myself daily to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)

By stepping out in faith and free-falling into the unknown I have to trust Him. I will embrace Paul's prayer to the Romans "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."(Romans 15:13)

Meanwhile, this week feels like my last week of freedom.

It's a Banner Day!

In the beginning there was a standard template bearing the title of this blog "A Mother's Angst. Soon after that I jazzed it up with the emo weeping eye. I've wept so many times over my children it seemed appropriate.
I've been open about my angst, my sorrows, and sometimes my joy. The banner evolved to reflect my evolution from pervasive sorrow to the overriding joy given to us through God's grace.
Today the banner takes another step forward. I may tweak it a bit but this is closer to what I've imagined for a while now. I'm reading the book of Jeremiah and I'm overwhelmed by the example God sets for us. I can relate to God's frustration with His children, the people of Israel & Judah. Jeremiah 31 is all about restoration. I pray for the restoration of my relationships with my grown children. Meanwhile, I thank God for all that I've learned and am able to share with others.

I'm back! Starting with a story about "Messages"

I had a delightful trip to China. Delightful in that work was productive, play was adventuresome and there were no incidents of barfing. Out of about 8 or so trips to Asia (China, Taiwan and Malaysia) this is only the 2nd time I've avoided getting sick during the trip. The consequence is apparently going to be a painful bout of jet-lag.

I plan to post a series of tales, with photos. My family received regular e-mails from me, telling of my adventures but without photos. My access to the internet during my stay was flaky at best - I was only occasionally able to access facebook or Twitter (and even then I randomly lost my connection).

I'm starting with a post that ties into the theme of a Blog Carnival, hosted by a friend. Then I'll pick up from the beginning and tell the tales in ~chronological order.

Messages

As a preamble to this story I should explain an interesting traffic phenomenon of the Orient. There are some laws that are strictly followed and some are strictly disregarded. Very few drivers travel in excess of the posted limit. Very few drivers pay any attention to the stripes painted on the roads. This latter behavior is evident in the propensity to make 4 lanes out of 3, and to use oncoming lanes for passing. Or left turns. Really, just whatever is convenient. Since the roads are shared with bicycles, skooters and pedestrians, I'm always amazed that there are not very many accidents here - these guys are serious defensive drivers. But I digress.

I mention the disregard for lanes because this behavior came into play during one of my morning swims. The Swiss Hotel (actually the "Swissotel") has a 3 lane pool with no lane dividers - just the 3 stripes on the pool bottom. When I arrived one morning to find a man in the first lane and another man in the 3rd lane, each of them swimming the breast stroke, I was not thrilled but I figured if I stuck to freestyle and backstroke I'd be okay.

About 15 minutes into my swim a 4th swimmer joined us. Although she was a petite little thing, she was also swimming breaststroke - apparently a local favorite. In true Asian fashion she simply joined us, forcing a 4th lane where there should be 3. After getting almost clipped by a kick from a passing swimmer, I gave up.

I was remorseful until I got to my room and realized I was off in calculating the timing of my morning routine! So, in the end I was delighted to have been "forced out" of the pool. I was only a few minutes late for breakfast.

Everything happens for a reason. More importantly, we should listen for messages in any given situation. There may not be a clear connection here, but that is in the fault of the storyteller. In the moment, I felt a clear message to wrap up my swim. When I came to appreciate the benefit of that message, I had no doubt but to assign credit to God for His gracious intervention. Had I continued swimming I would have undoubtedly inconvenienced others.

How often do we ignore the messages that are sent our way? It's so easy in our busy, noisy lives to focus on the hustle and bustle and ignore the quiet whispers that might nudge us one way or another. One of the things I enjoyed about being disconnected for 2 weeks (in a part of the world where English was limited or non-existent), was the forced period of solitude and introspection. Even in a crowd, I was alone. I could speak, but I couldn't make myself understood. I could hear, but I couldn't understand. I was forced to listen with my whole self.

God, I pray that my heart remains uncalloused; that my eyes may see and my ears may hear as You guide me on Your path. No matter where I go, may I remain connected to You. (Matthew 13:1-23)

What's going on?

Last weekend I attended the Women of Faith conference in Dallas. As with all Spirit-filled retreats, the event triggered a time of reflection - "what's next". Friday morning I woke up at 4:30am and was out the door by 5:30am, on the road in what proved to be a joyful period of solitude. But not really alone - alone with the Spirit.

During the 10-3:30 portion of the conference I remained "alone" - in fact I didn't catch up with the women of CEC until just before dinner. For the evening portion, we climbed to the highest possible row in the arena. A nosebleed seat, yes, but we reassured ourselves that we were closer to God.
The praise music was uplifting, but at the end of the day I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be hearing in the message. There was a lot more pushing of WorldVision than I needed to hear. I blame my lack of TV-watching but I felt like I'd paid to be subjected to an infomercial. Sitting as high as we were, it was harder to feel connected and it was challenging to stand up and fully appreciate the music (dizzying vertigo was a constant risk).


The evening ended with a performance by Steven Curtis Chapman, which counts as a high note. He was joined by his teen sons and his wife sent tweets - a wonderful family affair. Following @womenoffaith on Twitter definitely added to my experience.

Day 2 included a Tweet-up experience. During the lunch break there was a gathering of Tweeters. I met and added "followers", Jeanette was able to visit with Sheila Walsh (the only speaker who joined the Twitter crowd), I met Michael Hyatt (publisher) and I won the door prize (a bag of books & 1 CD):
Guys Are Waffles, Girls Are Spaghetti by Chad Eastham
Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado
Take Your Best Shot by Austin Gutwein
Knockout Entrepreneur by George Foreman
Beautiful Mess The Story of Diamond Rio
Relentless CD by Natalie Grant

Since the conference, I've been wading in the warm introspective waters of prayerful consideration. I'm feeling more liberated than I have in a long time. I'm focusing on freeing myself from anxiety. Every time I sense that knotting in my stomach I remind myself that anxiety is a reflection of faithlessness. I trust God and I'm ready to make a move. Nothing dramatic, mind you, but I have to keep stepping out in faith or I'm stagnant.

Before the conference I submitted an article that was published in the August issue of the Trumpet. The editor liked it, but suggested a different angle. Last week I submitted the rewrite and the changes were well-received (praise God!). I'll know more next week.

Meanwhile, I'm writing with renewed commitment and vigor. I *must* not let work take over my life. I have to set boundaries and respect those boundaries. I have to let some things (and some people) fail as I limit my time and energy to what falls within my boundaries.

In a week I'll be leaving for a 2-week trip to China. I hope & pray for this to be an opportunity for massive progress on writing projects.

Meanwhile, my blogs may remain a little neglected. I'll post as inspiration strikes, but mostly I'm jotting notes in a long-hand journal. Very old school but very rewarding.

Peace,

A Few Comments on Independence

Raising teenagers changed the way I look at independence. I can look back at my own quest for independence and have a clearer understanding of both sides of the equation. There's something about breaking free from the rules and from our ties to childhood that compels many (including myself) to rebel against their parental units.

The hard lesson is that quite often the freedom that is sought, fought for and won is not really freedom. While my girls might be independent relative to their parents, they did not step out of this household and gain self-reliance. In some ways they're getting there, yes, but each of them has relied on (or is still relying on) welfare in order to get on their feet. Currently, each of them relies on the parents of their "significant other" (whether by necessity or convenience, I can't say).

D#1 is living with her boyfriend and his parents. She's got a steady job with insurance! Things seem to be on track, based on the last year. She's not raising either of her children, though. And that's for the best.

D#2 is married and raising our youngest grandson (hurray!), living in a 1-bedroom apartment with her MIL, supplemented by food stamps.

D#3 wrapped up her 1st year of college by moving into an apartment with her girlfriend. Neither of them work. My daughter says the money she saved from the part-time job she worked for a month or so last summer...is dwindling. Admittedly, I'm leaping with both feet to the conclusion that there's some welfare going on there. She's the one who left home partly because we wanted her to earn some of the money for college, which we would reimburse. I guess she showed us. She's the only one of the 3 who has not ever hit us up for anything since she left home. Is it better for her to show us she doesn't need us? Not from where I sit.

I can't help but find parallels between my children's relationship with their parents and our relationship with God. God is our parental unit. God wants what's best for us. God has given us rules that He expects us to follow. God expects us to be honest with Him and God hopes that we seek and maintain a relationship with Him. He notices when we're away and He's grateful when we return. The more time we spend with Him, the happier He is and the easier it is for Him to help us. If we only seek Him during times of crisis, He may be slower to respond. He may take time to figure out what's best for us in our given situation. If we never seek Him, if we don't need Him, if we never ask for anything, well...there's not much He can do for us.

Meanwhile, are we relying on other gods to satisfy our needs?